*I have decided to share a choice few entries of my memoir.*
September 27, 2015; 2250 hours
Lately I’ve been battling with my inner call to ministry, which never happened until last September. I was always so confident of my calling since I was 18 back in June of 2008. Then suddenly last September, my doubts insidiously started, and they grew. God gave me assurance this past March, but then recently I doubted again, which God gave me reassurance once more. I don’t know why I keep running. What is it that I fear? …I fear a lack of financial stability (pastors don’t make a lot of money), being a pastor requires leaving my comfort zone frequently, and I fear that I’ll fail God and His people. I’ve realised lately that I’m failing to trust God with my finances, relationships, and future ministry. I need to trust Him more.
Pastor Steve shared something with me today. He brought up the calling of Moses in Exodus. God was aware of the afflictions and suffering of His people, and He was going to save them (3:7-8). God then told Moses that He was going to use him in this plan (v. 10). When Moses questioned God with his ability to do as He asked (v. 11), God replied with, “But I will be with you, and this shall be the sign for you, that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain” (v. 12). God basically said, “You’ll know that it’ll work because I sent you, and you’ll know when My plan works.” Obviously, that’s not good enough for us, and we say, “Lord! That doesn’t help! I want a sign before it happens!” But that’s just how the Lord has made it. God had already put His work in motion—to Him, it was already done. He was just calling Moses to use him in great ways to accomplish His will. He was telling Moses to be patient and trust Him.
Likewise, God has called me to the pastoral office. Whatever work He has planned to use use me for, He’s already done it. All I need to do is be patient and trust Him, which is difficult for me. I like having control over my finances, my comfort zone, and limiting my chances of failure. I need to trust God more and let Him take control; and to have Him continue working in my heart as He prepares me for service.